Ghana was defeated by the US and my booze free life continues. At this pace I am going to be really boring and sad at my own birthday party.
I fell for someone. It was about a sexual connection between us, but now it’s about this story instead: a story of adventure of a life on the road. That we were kindred spirits in the night. That we could maybe do anything and everything together.
Mom and dad were discussing the goelogical history of Florida and Appalachain mountains as I was working on my sketchbook.
"Man was in North america when that geologic event occured."
"You have to look at the rocks," my mother said, solemnly back to my father.
Dahlonega was an absolutely picture perfect southern town. Antique stores, children’s books, happiness and relaxation around every corner. We had lunched on the second story porch of an old turn of century store. The grouper sandwich and lazy atmosphere with a teenage strumming his guitar on the corner down below was perfect.
I ate it up. I dug it. Talked to a hippie old potter turning clay in his hands, feeling my strange eyes on him. Talked to another artist, gave him $2 for a postcard.
I wrote several things down in my sketchbook that day.
"I need money."
"Why not be a waitress?"
"Why not work at the airport?"
"Why not be a professional dog walker? Why not?"
Grandmother is really down. She’s frustrated, upset and alone. I think she wants to be doted over in a different way. Maybe I’ll try with her tomorrow.
I am a terribly shy person.
I am afraid to show people how I really feel.
I am strong but also very weak.
Sometimes I just want people to like me.
I have a weakness for sad people.
I have a weakness for people who like sad people.
I choose to be happy instead. Mostly because the alternative sucks. Mostly because when the sun shines the world is beautiful.
I admit things to people sometimes that I really shouldn’t. It’s as thoughi feel I have something important to say. What do I need to say in these situations instead?
I’m not sure.
I don’t like telling people off. I don’t like telling people that they are not good for me. I’d rather just disappear. I’d rather them just leave. This is an old habit and one I would like to gently replace with a new behavior.
I’m working on it.
But for now I’m going back to the us for a bit. To make some decisions. To see how the us feels again. To warm up in the sunshine. To be with my family. To see old friends. To hear my own language and hear my own voice say it.
Once upon a time there was a girl who was up afraid of being alone, un afraid of new friends and happy about getting up every morning because there were so many exciting things to do. She played tee ball, practiced ballet, and didn’t really like horses or loud people so much. She lived down a dirt path in the middle of the forest. She saw fields every morning and the sun catching the light of the elegant homes every evening. She felt alone but didn’t know what to call it so she talked to imaginary friends, birds, and loved to bike. She imagined that one day she would have a beautiful boy in a white button up shirt propose to her in front of a waterfall. Of course she would say yes. She really wanted to be a lovely young and beautiful mother.
When she was five her best friend in the whole world suddenly turned against her. She was told that one day all of her friends would leave her and she’d be all alone. This friend was bad and made her feel bad about having other friends. So she tried to make her friend feel better. Her friend just treated her worse. So this is friendship she thought. Later she learned that wasn’t really the case but it started a lifelong pattern of trying to please other people even to her own detriment.
This little girl is me. And a year from now I want to sit at a cafe table and say that I love this little girl because she’s a beautiful person and has lots of truly amazing friends who treat her nicely. They like her for her and not for things she’s done or hasn’t done. They like her simply because she is. I’ll be that little girl again. Happy to wake up every day because the world is full of interesting things. Happy that the sun has returned. And sometimes when I’m feeling bad I’ll remember that I’ve done and tried lots of things and that I’m not ashamed of it. I’m impressed.
Kiss the Frog Skagen, Denmark
Photo: Poul-Werner Dam
Ah yes he is in Danmark my frog prince.
trouble with you is trouble with me.